Grief & Gratitude Watching Leena Dance
Leena had her BIG dance recital this weekend!
This was her first recital where family came into town to watch, which meant SO much to her. We also had some of her babysitters come!
Recitals can be extra emotional for me and (for some unknown reason) cause me to be on the verge of tears. It may be because watching 3yr olds to 18yr olds dance feels like a visualization of life and growth. It brings up such a mix of grief and gratitude – grief that Soraya will never have that and I miss it for her, and gratitude for how absolutely AMAZING it is that I get to watch Leena dance.
To watch Leena dance is to watch pure joy. She has found her outlet and she’s all in.
But like everything else in our lives, these happy moments are often halted by harsh reality. Soraya mustered up the energy to watch some of Leena’s recital and texted me when I was backstage that a performance to the song ‘Stairway To Heaven’ reminded her she was dying sooner and that she wanted a hug 💔
After the show, she told me how tired she was and that her muscles were hurting. The pain is unrelenting.
Throughout the weekend, our news story was airing and re-airing on channel 9 WCPO Cincinnati. I was already trying to hold it together backstage as it was when I got a text that the story had also been shared with WCPO’s affiliates across the country. I just started crying. I was surrounded by dance moms asking, what happened? I told them I was excited that my family’s story was going to be shared widely.
Their reaction was innocent; “Great! What are you in the news for?”
Oh. I should have known that was coming.
“We’re in the news because my daughter is dying. It’s not a good thing, but the way we are living – that’s what is making the news. You know, like how I am backstage with you while my other daughter is at home in bed, on a ventilator.”
One mom said, “Are you ok? Do you need to go home and be with your other daughter?”
I paused and said, “No. I am so grateful to be HERE. How lucky am I that I get to watch Leena perform?” as I sobbed.
There was a lot of awkward silence, and these ladies stood with me in the silence and the discomfort – and for that, I am equally grateful.