Have I Mentioned This is Brutal?

We are one week past a pain med increase and it’s evident that things are progressing. Whether it was a quick visit to Ulta or just visiting with friends this weekend, Soraya was flared up and behind her pain curve and it was BRUTAL.

She didn’t want to move. We were all out of as-needed medication and the pain exacerbated her anxiety as Soraya sobbed that she doesn’t want to die. She wants to be here and she’s so confused whether her pain is because she’s nearing death or if it’s part of her disease process. Deep down, I wanted to know the same.

Her sisters bear witness to Soraya’s tears and her disappointment that her prayers have not been answered.

Did I mention it was brutal? 

Multiple phone calls to hospice, a massage therapy visit, pharmacy runs, lots of tears from all. All today. 

One day we are riding high and quickly we are knocked back down.

Soraya asked today if we as a family could fight for her. She says she feels like she’s fighting alone. She said, “Pretend I have cancer and that there’s medicine and we can all fight for me to be here.”

My heart shattered.

I asked her if it was time for me to take some time off work to just hold her and be with her. Her response:
I want you to be happy.
I want you to be confident in your decision 
I don’t want to take that (your profession) away from you.

In the midst of this – I see how Yasmeen and Leena have stepped up for each other. (See their notes to one another here).

Ughh. Did I mention this is brutal?!

May tomorrow be better ❤️