Recovery is Humbling

I anticipated being humbled by the recovery process after my surgery... but I had no clue it would stir up so many feelings about Soraya.

The first week after my mastectomy was somewhat of a blur. I remember looking at Soraya and thinking, “Wow, at this moment she’s stronger and able to do more than me.”  I would ask her to help me pick up things I couldn’t get.

In the second week, I felt similar to her. I needed assistance with stairs, hygiene, and was so incredibly physically exhausted. Just how tired I was talking or moving to get a meal (that was brought to me!) was like a window into her life.

I soon got this view where I felt stuck at a standstill while the whole world kept going – on their schedules, in a rush to get to the next thing, and you just feel... like a burden.

While I am stuck in time, I see/hear Soraya and it dawns on me how she must feel. As I recover, everything I need is based on somebody else’s availability. This is what she deals with all the time. Nothing in her daily schedule is based on what or how she wants. Also, here I am improving—getting stronger every day or every week—and her trajectory is much different. While I had always imagined her health to be at a place of plateau during my recovery, she is actually on a downward trajectory.

With me home, she shares with me, “Mom, do you notice? My muscles are now shaking when I get up. Can you tell I am just more tired all the time?  Mom, I think I need more modifications to save my energy.”

These realizations are gut-wrenching. I am getting stronger, and she is getting weaker... and I can’t do anything about it. Somedays, the sadness and helplessness swallow me whole. I have cried more in the past 3 weeks than I have all year.

Grateful for Leena doing my hair daily and for Safi’s help in all my activities of daily living (ADLs) including dressing, bathing, and tucking me in. Looking forward to my independence– I will never take that for granted.