Muster, Magic, Stillness
Merry Christmas Eve! The holidays bring up a whirlwind of emotions – three words that describe how I’m getting through this season are Muster, Magic, and Stillness.
Muster
I am exhausted. I am so tired. I’m feeling like I can’t even. Sometimes it takes mustering all my strength to keep going. I feel an intense pressure to create magic and live up to holiday expectations and the standards we set in previous years, even if I know those standards really only exist in my head.
Magic
I have been grieving not having the luxury of having traditions because of our ever-changing circumstances. We used to go to Great Wolf Lodge (a huge indoor waterpark) every Christmas, but then the pandemic hit and Soraya’s body started getting more tired so that stopped being our tradition. Every year has looked so different for us that I sometimes feel like I can’t keep up with all the changes. But just when I think I can’t create any more magic because of all the change, the glimmer comes out – like last night when Soraya shrieked “Ahh! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! And then Santa comes!!!” – and I realize there’s still plenty of holiday magic around.
Stillness
Though I feel a lot of pressure to create magic, I’m continuously reminded that there’s magic in the stillness of just being together. In the small moments like putting the star on the tree, even if Soraya is too tired to help this year and has to watch from the couch. Because she is still here and we all get to be together, even if that togetherness looks different from other years. Even if I am so, so scared this will be the last Christmas where that’s the case. We’re here now and we just have to hang on to each other and be still and appreciate this moment together…