Grief Has No Logic
Soraya had an ultrasound of her uterus today. She’s been without a period for over 18 months, and her endocrinologist wanted to get a better understanding of why that is.
The medical term for this loss of period is amenorrhea. It’s something I see in my practice as a pediatrician, typically in elite athletes and individuals with eating disorders like anorexia who don’t take in enough calories/energy to maintain a period.
But that isn’t the case for Soraya. Her ultrasound and labs showed that she has amenorrhea secondary to her progressing disease, AKA her body needs to conserve its energy as it weakens for vital functions like breathing.
The tears came on my drive home from the appointment. I felt heartbroken and sad...but I couldn’t figure out why!? OBVIOUSLY I know her body is getting weaker – I am anticipating her death and living with that anticipatory grief every day! Maybe it was so upsetting because I wasn’t expecting it? I was also angry that I was sad. I knew that if she did restart her period I would give her medication to stop her cycle so she wouldn’t have to deal with cramps or needing to have additional assisted hygiene. So if having a period is something I would NOT have wanted for her, why was I so sad she didn’t have one?
Maybe it’s because it’s another loss of something typical. Maybe it’s the loss of a female process as I prepare for my mastectomy...
Regardless of the reason, I am learning that anticipation doesn’t make the pain of the loss go away, and things that I didn’t even realize could make me feel so sad absolutely CAN.
It’s also interesting to see how different things impact Safi vs me. Here I have been grieving the loss of a cycle that I never wanted for her, whereas it doesn’t upset Safi. Seeing her End-Tidal Carbon Dioxide number rise every week (which signifies significant issues with not breathing adequately despite her ventilator) brings Safi to tears, but not mine.
There’s no logic in grief.
On the bright side, Soraya did great! Her ultrasound was normal and she earned a prize for lying still! She even got to watch The Grinch during the procedure 💚
