Soraya’s Storm of Anxiety

In the midst of Emmy wins, surgery talk, and concerts, Soraya’s health continues to change before our eyes. While I often highlight her vibrant personality and her fatigue, there’s just so much more going on in her mind.

Last week I went to check on her in the restroom and I heard her talking out loud to God. She said:

“I don’t know why you want to take me, but I don’t want to go. My body is getting weaker and I know that I am dying sooner. I know I have no choice and this is your decision. Please don’t be mad God- but I will fight. I will fight to stay here. I am not ready to leave my family.”

While many times Soraya stays quiet due to her fatigue, there’s a storm of thoughts behind that quiet facade.

She’s shared with Safi and I that the thought of dying is constant. She feels her body getting weaker and now she is really missing the person she used to be. She fears that every change means she’s getting closer to death. She misses being able to play with her sisters, going swimming, and going out on the weekends. She used to love school and wishes she had the energy to go in person. She’s realizing she barely has the energy to log into the two online classes she’s currently taking. She told me she’s not ready to let school go, as that is such a hard decision for her.

As a parent, I like to convince myself that maybe Soraya is not aware of all that she is missing…yet when I pause and sit long enough with her, I hear and feel all her thoughts. It’s awful. The energy of her anxiety and decline seeps into her siblings– Yasmeen and Leena have had a rough week with feeling overwhelmed and hopeless at times.

Over the past week, Soraya has met with her doctors to increase her anxiety medication and get an EKG to make sure she’s safe to then go up on her pain medication. She’s been asking to be held a lot more and I am here for it...but there are moments where the feelings of sadness and loss are suffocating. 💔