Hard Conversations Before Bed
Safi went on a Continuing Medical Education (CME) trip last week. While he was gone, I took over Soraya’s bedtime routine—something she is VERY adamant only Safi do.
As I changed her pain patch (we are on an even higher dose now 😭), I kept telling her that I was honored to care for her and put her to bed to make it easier for her to let me help her.
We laid in bed and she began telling me all her worries. She said, “Mom, I am afraid of dying sooner. Do you think I have a choice?”
I said I don’t know, but I’d like to hope that what she wants and her desire to be here would matter. Although, I admit that we don’t have any control over these things.
She said, “Mommy, I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to leave Daddy. There are days when I just don’t feel like I belong, but I still want to be here with you. My body hates me. It’s getting more tired, but I want to be here.”
I just held her and wondered how I would sit there and not start crying. I wondered how Safi does this and then realized that he DOES cry nightly...and when I see his tears after he comes out of her room at night, I avoid him.
I avoid him because I feel like I can’t stop and cry with him. If I start crying – what if I can’t stop? What if I fall to the ground and I can’t get up? Who will do the laundry? Who will prep for the next day? These thoughts run through my mind every night.
Soraya asked if she could have an extra counseling session with Safi or me present to help her articulate these feelings to her therapist. She says she can’t stop thinking about it. I said of course.
I somehow managed to leave her room, although all I wanted was to stay beside her all night. There were two other children to tend to.
I sighed a breath of relief as I saw Yasmeen working on homework – YES! No talking about feelings!
Then she said, “You know Mom, Soraya’s been declining faster in the past four months than I have ever seen in my life.”
Sometimes, it all feels too heavy to carry – and when I see my children carrying their loads, I want nothing more than to take it from them. But I am realizing I can’t. I can’t make this better.
Heaviness is in the air and love is carrying us through.