Grief Doesn’t Give a Warning

We did it! We went to see Olivia Rodrigo! It was such a spontaneous opportunity and if there’s one thing we are learning in life, it’s suck the joy in the moments you can.

Watching Leena watch Olivia was THE best thing ever. Hearing her sing every lyric at the top of her lungs (even the swear words!!!) was heart bursting for me!

Then Olivia prepped the crowd to sing Teenage Dream, a song I have heard a million times. Olivia started the song by saying how she used to hate her birthdays and getting older. She then said she now realizes what a privilege it is to get older and how grateful she is to have many more.

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

Soraya won’t have that privilege of growing older. She will not get to experience even the idea of endless birthdays.

The tears just poured out. I tried to stop it but the slideshow images of Olivia from a baby to adulthood flashed in giant images in front of me on the screen. Soraya won’t have that. The flood gates opened and I had no control of the emotion. 

This caught me by surprise. I thought that for a moment we could both escape into the music and just FORGET the pain and just be. 

I am realizing that, even when we do these extravagant experiences, there’s NO escape from the sadness and grief that can come at ANY time. I hate that I have no control of Soraya’s medical prognosis and no control of the pain I feel and when I feel it.

I will continue to chase joy, and now will realize that does not equate to hiding or escaping from grief...as that comes when it comes and sometimes without any warning.