Soraya Opens Up About “Dying Sooner”
Last week, Soraya opened up about how often she worries about dying. She told me, “I’m afraid of dying sooner. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to leave Daddy. There are days when I just don’t feel like I belong, but I still want to be here with you. My body hates me. It’s getting more tired, but I want to be here.”
She’d asked if she could have an extra counseling session with Safi or me present to help her articulate these feelings to her therapist, so Safi accompanied her to her therapy session this week.
They covered a LOT of ground, but Safi told me there were three things she shared that really stood out to him:
1. Soraya asked if it was her fault that she wasn’t getting any better. She wonders, did I do enough therapy? Did I follow the instructions of the doctors? Why did this happen to me? She questions why her “body hates her.” She fears that she pushes herself too hard (and feels pressure to do so) while also worrying that she “hasn’t fought hard enough.” 💔
2. She feels guilty all of the time for being so irritable and fears that the way this impacts Yasmeen and Leena makes her a “bad sister.” Safi explained that we know some of her irritability or impulsivity at times is not her fault but rather a result of her body and the pain she’s experiencing. Soraya said it still makes her feel sad as she “really wants to be a ruler follower” and a good sister.
3. She described her mind as a movie/tape recorder that is “loud and always on” playing thoughts about dying, what that will look like, how it will feel, when it will happen...
There were many hugs and tears throughout the session. While it hurts to hear her say these things, Safi and I are grateful that she’s able to articulate what she’s feeling so we can support her and help alleviate some of her anxiety.
Soraya said that though talking it out is helpful, she worries it will make God think she is “ready” or that it (dying sooner) is what she wants and he will “make it happen.” Knowing that she has these worries and chooses to share openly anyway takes a tremendous amount of courage. We are so proud of her.